Me and ED

I'd like to tell you about ED. We've been together for as long as I can recollect. While other friends revolve in and out of my life, ED remains steadfastly by my side. He's been there for minor losses, tragedies, births, deaths, milestones, as well as growing pains. I can't say that I like the guy but at times he has been a great comfort. And my identity as well. No self confidence needed while he's around cause he does all the thinking. My actions result because of him. I had a visit from ED recently. Its been a while. Actually, a long while. It was a surprise visit. He showed up and we went for it. See after any loss or emotional time he shows up to take my hand, and convinces me how much I need him. The times I resist him are the most rewarding times of my life. Sometimes I can't resist his charms. Here's how I usually feel about our visits.

Before... agitated, upset and crappy.

During... comforted and crappy.

After... relieved, guilty, sick and crappy.

The further I get from our last visit the better I feel. I wish to forget his face. Forget what he feels like and that I needed him. When ED's around life is like a never ending Drunk. Where I'm not responsible for who I hurt, what I do, or if I work or see friends. He gives me permission to stop my life depending on his whim. He's gotten me into lots of trouble. He has made me hurt myself. I have hurt my family even more. See ripping a razor blade across my body feels better than dwelling on how hopeless he makes me feel. He's chased people out of my life and left me at my knees. I know the responsibility is mine but thats the weird part. You want to be with him against all your better judgment. He tricks you into thinking that this time will be different. Thats my definition of stupid. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Like bumping into a wall. I've done it before it hurts. But see, this time I will walk into the wall again but it won't hurt.

If you haven't guessed by now ED is not a person . ED stands for Eating Disorder. You've heard of them Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Eating. It is a illness that can and will be fatal. I know other disorders are linked to ED as well but I can only tell you of my experience. I like to think I have good judgment. But definitely not while in my disease. I was at a retreat where a girl spoke about how she got rid of excess food by drinking a solution of Epsom salts and water. I was off and running. Now most people would have thought that was sick . But I thought it was an idea worth trying. It worked really well. Never mind I was sick and weak for several days afterwards. I also used laxatives and syrup of Ipecac to purge with. I stuck with laxatives the longest. Started with several at a time. Then used a whole box be it 40 or 60 tabs. They seemed to work along with the next days fast. Oh, and the 5 miles plus run. Rain or shine everyday. My bodies been through a lot. At the time I was told of health consequences. Only one thing mattered. Wearing the smallest size on the rack.

I've picked myself up and brushed myself off so many times which is a victory in itself. Survival seems to be my theme in life. Thats what I think I'm here for. If I have time to make up for some of the hurt I caused great. But I first and foremost must survive. See, if I give in and go where ED wants that would be suicide. I believe I would be sent right back here to repeat the hell I often feel life's like now. I believe that my ED is a disease . It's cunning baffling and powerful.